Desperate Thoughts
by Uncanny-dreamer
Summary: Syed's thought process back at Christian's flat, after Christian makes his attack report at the police station. Slash, of course.


_Spawned out of intense frustration over the current pause in the Christian/Syed storyline ;) I just can't bear this suspense! Well, this is what I have happening after Christian gets out of the police station, when Syed asks if he's invited back to his flat. I think we can all safely presume they get rather intimate, so this will be Syed's thought process (with some dialogue) during that time. I took Syed's POV because I just found it challenging…it's hard to get into that little bugger's head, but I think it turned out all right. Enjoy!_

Desperate Thoughts

Heat, fear…gripping, clutching, moaning. Fear…

It coursed through his veins alongside pleasure, taking the backseat at times when the pleasure dominated and then reemerging when his body calmed down. It ran hot, a type of hot that burned him, put doubts in his mind and made him damn his very self.

"Syed," he heard Christian whisper. The sweet voice made him weak. It was like a sickness, something that consumed him and at the same time told him he was alive. He must have been a masochist or something…why else would he constantly go back to this thing that pained him, this immoral act, this sin?

He _liked _it.

"Look at me."

He subconsciously complied, meeting Christian's heavy-lidded eyes. He felt a hand gently brush the side of his face, trailing down his neck to his shoulder, where tiny circles were traced.

"You look scared." When Syed made to look away, the hand return to his face and gently forced him to turn back. The green eyes that gazed down at him were troubled, full of a kind of soft curiosity. "Are you?"

"Of course," he said.

"Don't—" Syed crushed his lips against his, stealing his words and replacing them with the soft sounds of kissing. He didn't need reassurance. No matter what Christian had to say, it wasn't all right. It would never be.

As the kiss went on, Christian's touch remained gentle but Syed knew he wouldn't be able to take it any longer. He grabbed the bigger hand, guiding it down his side and to his waist. No more prompting was needed.

He squirmed, trying to let out a breath that was caught in his throat. It was nearly impossible, though, his body trembling as fingers suddenly began pleasing him. The same heat was beginning to build up again, though this weakness, _sickness_, of his still wanted more. A moan escaping from him, he clung to Christian in case his body threatened to give way.

It wasn't the first time, of course, but it made him feel renewed, satisfied, _good _but terrible. What his feelings told him specifically was that he could have it no other way. What everything else told him…as he let out another gasp, he felt the fear rear it's ugly head, bringing with it the truth. Not now, though. He tried pushing it away, focusing still on the delicious sensations shooting through his body, on his breathing, on his rapid pulse…he wasn't done indulging in his sin.

But when he was, when his body fell back into the couch, when he could no longer take it, it overcame him once again. The guilt and shame, even at seeing Christian look at him like that. He closed his eyes in order to shut out the sweet smile the man was giving him. Syed knew he was adored by him, and he adored him back, but that was yet another sin. The lust, the feelings towards another man that drove him to partake in sexual acts. But…

No. It couldn't just be lust. He cared about Christian. When he had heard about his attack, wasn't he terrified? The next thing he had done was run and see if he was all right. But then again, that was what he was supposed to do. He was acting as a fellow man, a _friend _who had wanted to make sure his other _friend _was okay. But didn't it count for anything?! If he were to really consider it, it was a deep care that had brought him to Christian's flat that day, a deep care that insisted he made sure Christian reported the attack to the police. He loved this man, but it was so wrong…

"Sy." He opened his eyes, again out of instinct. Christian wasn't smiling this time, instead looking down at him with concern.

_Stop it_, Syed thought desperately. _Stop showing me how much you care. _

Christian made himself so vulnerable when it came to him, and Syed after all this time still couldn't understand why. It certainly didn't make any of this easier for him. This thing they had for each other was beyond mutual. Something so much deeper was going on. And it had to be what frightened Syed the most.

"Are you sure you're all right?"

He held his tongue, studying Christian's face. God did it kill him to see him like that. Not only was his expression pitiful, it was made even worse by his puffy eye and the cuts here and there…who could do such a thing to him?! Anger flared up inside of Syed for a moment, but his hand of its own accord went to Christian's swollen cheek and stroked it ever so gently. God he hoped the police would catch him, give the git what he deserved. He had been a little angry at Christian for being so reckless, but then again, though he would never admit it, he blamed himself for it as well.

"They'll find him," he said softly, immediately cursing himself for bringing it up. Especially now. He didn't want to remind Christian of it, and he certainly didn't want to take time away from this…_beautiful _moment.

"You think?" Christian sighed, his expression killing Syed. He could fix it, though. Giving his cheek one last stroke, Syed pushed his hand to the back of Christian's neck, bringing him down to kiss him once again. He hoped it was answer enough, hoped it told him that yes, he did believe they would find him. But that he shouldn't worry about it right now.

It seemed to work, all too soon in fact, and the all too familiar waves of emotions that Syed felt every time were crashing over him once again. They would never end.

"Love you," Christian whispered, wrapping his legs around him and making sure no space between them went unfilled. The words caught Syed off guard, and when he met the green eyes again, he was terrified to find them so soft and so sincere. But when he felt a friction building between him and the man, his mind was jolted back into the clouded, sensual world of pleasure.

Oh Allah, forgive him...


End file.
